What To Do When Positive Parenting Is Too Exhausting

What To Do When Positive Parenting Is Too Exhausting

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“I don’t want a bagel for breakfast,” my five-year-old stated.

“Sorry, but that’s all we have time for this morning,” I called over my shoulder as I stood at the counter, spreading the cream cheese.

“NOOOOOO!!! I will NOT eat that bagel! I will not eat anything except a pancake!”

I spun around sharply. “Now you listen to me. If you whine one more time…”

I cringed as I said it but felt powerless to stop myself. 

My preschooler had spent the last three days griping and moaning over every small disappointment. With each new complaint he made, my patience dwindled and my voice escalated.

I was on the verge of losing it, and I knew it.

What To Do When Positive Parenting Is Too Exhausting

Inside I felt that tension psychologists call “cognitive dissonance.” It’s when your behaviors contradict your values and beliefs, and you feel icky about it.

I knew my son was whining because he needed connection. We’d recently been so busy and on-the-go, away from his usual structures and routines, and I’d spent more time planning and scheduling than talking and cuddling with him.

I also really wanted to be the parent who deals with the whining by offering support and connection, rather than through fear and empty threats.  

But I couldn’t. It’d been a long week, and I was just too drained.

The Truth About Positive Parenting

First let me say: I love positive parenting.

I love the emphasis on relationship and mutual respect—instead of a strict hierarchy.

I love the concept of gently influencing our children—rather than trying to mold them to our wishes.

I love natural consequences instead of punitive ones. I love time-ins instead of time-outs. 

I love encouraging good behavior through connection rather than fear.

BUT HOLY MOLY, IT’S EXHAUSTING SOMETIMES!

With all the burdens parents are carrying today, positive parenting is often just one more emotional and physical drain. It requires us to give even more than we already do—which is impossible when we’re already running on empty

And so we snap.

And threaten.

And yell.

And then feel deeply guilty about it, which just adds one more layer to our emotional pile-up.

This has been happening to me too much recently, so I’ve developed a little action plan to build up my reserves and get back to being the type of parent I want to be (and truly am). Here’s what it looks like.

7 Things To Do When Positive Parenting Is Too Exhausting

1. Trade off with your partner. 

Assuming you have a good one, which I hope you do. I’ve told my husband that my patience just feels too thin right now, so whenever he’s home, he’s stepping in and handling things even more than he ordinarily would. 

2. Get a babysitter. 

For a few hours, if you can. When positive parenting feels impossible, it’s usually because we need a chance to TRULY recharge—which means more than just an hour away. Usually we need a full day, or at least half, when we’re not parenting or working or both.

3. Let yourself explode—within limits.

Obviously it’s never ok to hit your children. Obviously it’s not acceptable to demean them or break their spirits in any way. 

I’m just saying that sometimes we are going to lose our tempers with our kids; it’s inevitable and it’s ok! (As long as we’re not crossing those unacceptable lines.)

What’s important isn’t so much that we exploded, but what we do next.

If we lose our temper and then take steps to effectively repair the relationship with our children, we have actually done a lot of good in the long-run. We’ve let our children see that we’re imperfect humans—and we’ve modeled how to properly communicate and connect after a mistake.

4. Make a game plan when you’re feeling calm.

Reacting positively in the moment is so tough. What helps me is deciding ahead of time exactly how I’m going to react when my kid is pushing my buttons (intentionally or unintentionally). 

It’s easier to stick to a script than to try to manage your own fluctuating emotions in the heat of the moment. It’s also helpful to share that script with your child. (“From now on, when you…here is how I’m going to respond.”)


5. Find a small daily escape.

Reading a novel. Coloring. HGTV. Yoga. What can you do every single day for 30 minutes or so to bring yourself some inner peace?

6. Carve out quiet.

Similarly, how can you find moments of quiet for yourself in the midst of your parenting frustration? So much of our exhaustion, I think, is due to the constant clamor that comes with the parenting territory. Sometimes silence is golden.

7. Keep it in perspective. 

Being a positive parent 100% of the time is impossible, so don’t give yourself such lofty goals. Do you handle it well 75% of the time? Pat yourself on the back, mama. You’re doing just fine.

What To Do When Positive Parenting Is Too Exhausting


14 Comments

  1. Chantal
    Jan 12, 2018 @ 05:01:47

    Soooooo good!!! And thank you for the relatable explanation of cognitive dissonance!!!! Xx xx xx

    Reply

  2. Rachel Peachey
    Jan 16, 2018 @ 17:24:51

    Ugh…yes! So hard to be on 100% of the time. The name cognitive dissonance definitely defines how I feel sometimes, more than I’d like 😛

    Reply

  3. Cyndi
    Jan 17, 2018 @ 20:30:55

    Thank you very much for this article, I’ve been running on empty since the Christmas period and it’s nice to know I’m not the only one that goes through these periods. Great practice advice that’s easy to implement. Thanks for sharing

    Reply

  4. Gillian
    Jan 30, 2018 @ 14:56:59

    This is the FIRST positive parenting website that I feel really good about reading through. Your approach is realistic and attainable with an understanding tone for life with kids. Try as I might to be great all the time sometimes I’m just too tired. Thanks for this. Great job!

    Reply

    • Katie M. McLaughlin
      Jan 31, 2018 @ 09:27:07

      I’m so glad you could relate. I know it’s refreshing to hear someone admit that it is NOT easy!

      Reply

  5. Samantha
    Jan 31, 2018 @ 16:29:18

    Thank you! I really needed to read this today 🙂

    Reply

  6. Eevi-Sofia
    Feb 01, 2018 @ 17:23:27

    I really love this. Because it is exhausting if taking the longer, more patient route with parenting.

    Reply

  7. Rebecca
    Feb 06, 2018 @ 05:14:43

    Thank you for this. It is realistic and helpful. I am feeling like the worst mum lately. Doing all the things I don’t want to do and feeling like my boy and I are disconnected 🙁 and sometimes other positive parenting websites make it sound so easy but I try all of their suggestions and they simply DO NOT work- and I don’t know what to do when I’ve tried them all and I feel I have nowhere left to go. I will work on it using your tips that make so much sense. Thank you 🙂

    Reply

    • Katie M. McLaughlin
      Feb 06, 2018 @ 11:27:42

      It is most definitely NOT easy. The very fact that you are so intentional about your relationship with your son means that you are doing an awesome job, mama!

      Reply

  8. NeighboringNikita
    Mar 02, 2018 @ 14:51:32

    You being so self aware is amazing! I’ve had a few moments this week where I’ve not been on my A++ game, but we can’t always be! So I’ll definitely be taking your tips. 🙂 Thank you for this!

    Reply

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